Communicating with Love

In the early stages of my daughter's disease(s), our interactions were highly charged because we were both in heightened emotional states. She could be hostile and defensive when she was under the influence and/or not appropriately medicated. I responded with anger and exhaustion, which led to a revolving cycle of shouting and unhealthy conversations and text streams. I finally realized that I had to break the cycle and take a step back. I identified when she was pushing my buttons. I learned to recognize when it was the drugs that were talking to me, while also seeing my loving daughter still struggling underneath the weight of her words. Setting boundaries really helped both of us. When she came at me verbally, I didn't allow her to drag me in and told her I would only interact with her when she could be respectful or when she was mentally able to. I offered her the same in return. It took some practice, but we both learned how to have difficult conversations that also allowed her to not feel judged as we worked through things. Once she knew that I accepted her, recognized she had a disease, and loved her fully regardless, she began to feel safe. 

Now, I don't want to make this sound easy. It wasn't. It took several years, but it was so worth it and allowed us to be a healthy team. Even though they may not say it, deep down our children feel bad that they can't control their behavior. They don't want to disappoint us and want to be loved. It's important to reinforce that they are not bad or weak people; they unfortunately live with very difficult, chronic diseases and are always worthy of our love.

I kept many of our text strings (the way she was most comfortable communicating) which I want to share here to give examples of how you can do this too, and to show you that our children are trying.​​

1. Here's an example of a positive reinforcement text I sent her. It's important to let them know that you recognize the work they are doing to take care of themselves. Sometimes what may seem like even the smallest task can be a huge accomplishment for them:

"Good morning, I just wanted to say how proud of you I am for coming home last night because you didn't have your medication. That shows that you are committed to taking care of yourself. Love you."

2. Here's a text I sent her when I sensed she was struggling. Follow your gut and check in on your children to let them know that you're there and that they are loved:

"You are beautiful, smart and funny. The world is a better place with you in it. Please don't give up on yourself. I know life has been hard, but it can get better. I love you always."

3. Here's a text she sent me when she was feeling bad about herself. Schizoaffective disorder can make it difficult for persons to be organized, remember appointments, and even complete daily living activities. What made this message even more touching, is that she was also reaching out for help:

"I'm really sorry I have a disease and I wish I wasn't born like this and I wish I didn't have to break your heart. I really am trying. Sometimes we have slip ups. If you could remind me about my meetings and therapy sessions, that would be helpful."